My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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