i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
