I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize