Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize