SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
