i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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