Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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