In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I am one with the molecules
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
