My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You can't special order awesome
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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