haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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