If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
