Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
