Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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