was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
