Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Randomize
