im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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