I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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