Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize