Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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