Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
