oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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