Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
