i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
