awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
