i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Apparently you make a good broom.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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