Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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