Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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