I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
