Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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