Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
