Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
