good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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