i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
