Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
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