dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Jerry, you need to find god
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize