So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
