Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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