My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
