Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize