I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
