I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
