We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
