New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
