woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
