It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
