dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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