I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
