and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
