If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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