how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize