this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
