I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I believe in your delicious
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
