Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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