The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
