my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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