two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
