im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
