All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize