I'm jealous of your bromance
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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