dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
