Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
