I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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