I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
