theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
MIDGETS
????
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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