he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
