You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
