don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
