my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
