my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
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