she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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