How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
