Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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