Can i not drive my cunt home
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
