absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
