I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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