We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everclear isn't food dammit
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
