My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Randomize
